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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Looks
Titanic
First
Cruise
Going
Director
Life
Directors
Class
May
Look
Firsts

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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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