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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Looks
Titanic
First
Cruise
Going
Director
Life
Directors
Class
May
Look
Firsts

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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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