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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Everything
Worse
Gets
Economy
Else
Better

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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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