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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Worse
Gets
Economy
Else
Better
Everything
More quotes by Art Buchwald
I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
Art Buchwald