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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Worse
Gets
Economy
Else
Better
Everything

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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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