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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Bring
Coca
Home
Bottle
Back
Bottles
Mind
Chinese
Drinking
Million
Travel
Empties
Millions
Cola

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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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