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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Back
Bottles
Mind
Chinese
Drinking
Million
Travel
Empties
Millions
Cola
Bring
Coca
Home
Bottle

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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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The best things in life aren't things.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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