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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Room
Rooms
Modern
Pretend
House
Son
Part
Door
Best
Clean
Way
Close
Doors

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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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The things that matter most are not things.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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