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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Room
Rooms
Modern
Pretend
House
Son
Part
Door
Best
Clean
Way
Close
Doors

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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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