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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Room
Rooms
Modern
Pretend
House
Son
Part
Door
Best
Clean
Way
Close
Doors

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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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