Quote

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Way
Close
Doors
Room
Rooms
Modern
Pretend
House
Son
Part
Door
Best
Clean

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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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