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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Rooms
Modern
Pretend
House
Son
Part
Door
Best
Clean
Way
Close
Doors
Room

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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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