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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Room
Rooms
Modern
Pretend
House
Son
Part
Door
Best
Clean
Way
Close
Doors
More quotes by Art Buchwald
I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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