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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Son
House
Part
Door
Best
Clean
Way
Close
Doors
Room
Rooms
Pretend
Modern

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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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