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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Doors
Room
Rooms
Modern
Pretend
House
Son
Part
Door
Best
Clean
Way
Close

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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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