Quote

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Room
Rooms
Modern
Pretend
House
Son
Part
Door
Best
Clean
Way
Close
Doors

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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