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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Thinking
Taken
Nixon
President
Dope
Write
Carter
Women
Jimmy
Nothing
Reagan
Writing
Test
Lusted
Heart
Tests
Crook
Think
Says
Crooks

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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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