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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Think
Says
Crooks
Thinking
Taken
Nixon
President
Dope
Write
Carter
Women
Jimmy
Nothing
Reagan
Writing
Test
Lusted
Heart
Tests
Crook

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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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