Quote

Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
President
Dope
Write
Carter
Women
Jimmy
Nothing
Reagan
Writing
Test
Lusted
Heart
Tests
Crook
Think
Says
Crooks
Thinking
Taken
Nixon

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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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