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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Heart
Tests
Crook
Think
Says
Crooks
Thinking
Taken
Nixon
President
Dope
Write
Carter
Women
Jimmy
Nothing
Reagan
Writing
Test
Lusted

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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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