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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Hung
Pretend
Sadness
Yesterday
Hell
Today
Time
Admitting
Nostalgia

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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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