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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Makes
Remember
Remembering
Keys
Happy
House

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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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