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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Remembering
Keys
Happy
House
Makes
Remember

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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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