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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
House
Makes
Remember
Remembering
Keys
Happy
More quotes by Art Buchwald
Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
Art Buchwald
If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
Art Buchwald
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Art Buchwald
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
Art Buchwald
Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
Art Buchwald
Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
Art Buchwald
The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
Art Buchwald
I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
Art Buchwald
I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
Art Buchwald
The things that matter most are not things.
Art Buchwald