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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Remember
Remembering
Keys
Happy
House
Makes

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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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