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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
House
Makes
Remember
Remembering
Keys
Happy

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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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