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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Makes
Remember
Remembering
Keys
Happy
House

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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The best things in life aren't things.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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