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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Remembering
Keys
Happy
House
Makes
Remember

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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The things that matter most are not things.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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