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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Remember
Remembering
Keys
Happy
House
Makes

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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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