Quote

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Three
Impression
Two
Six
Stills
Anymore
Still
Later
Wells
Pay
Hospice
Well
Health
Medicare
Would
Stay
Weeks
Week
Gotten

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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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