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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Use
Stuff
Literary
Writing
Constantly
Advantage
Wife
Asks
Working
Fighting

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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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