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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Use
Stuff
Literary
Writing
Constantly
Advantage
Wife
Asks
Working
Fighting
More quotes by Art Buchwald
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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