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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Advantage
Wife
Asks
Working
Fighting
Use
Stuff
Literary
Writing
Constantly

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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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