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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Sitting
Hell
Wonder
Fighting
Marching
War
Parades
Around
Wondering
Men
Somewhere
Supposed
More quotes by Art Buchwald
The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
Art Buchwald
I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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The best things in life aren't things.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
Art Buchwald
This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
Art Buchwald
Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
Art Buchwald