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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Things
Seriously
Would
Sex
Normal
Higher
Whether
Constructive
Take
List
Something
Lists
Always
Tennis

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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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