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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
People
Answer
Humor
Answers
Asks
Getting
Even
Trying
Really

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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