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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Trying
Really
People
Answer
Humor
Answers
Asks
Getting
Even

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
Art Buchwald
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
Art Buchwald
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
Art Buchwald