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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Took
Harbors
Education
Ticket
High
Discussing
Friends
Pearls
School
Tickets
Problem
Japanese
Dawned
Country
Personally
Harbor
Attack
Pearl

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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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