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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Took
Harbors
Education
Ticket
High
Discussing
Friends
Pearls
School
Tickets
Problem
Japanese
Dawned
Country
Personally
Harbor
Attack
Pearl

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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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