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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Later
Week
Two
Change
Might
Mind
Weeks
Suicide
Commit

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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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