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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Week
Two
Change
Might
Weeks
Mind
Suicide
Commit
Later

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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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