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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Change
Might
Mind
Weeks
Suicide
Commit
Later
Week
Two

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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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