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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Week
Two
Change
Might
Mind
Weeks
Suicide
Commit
Later

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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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