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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Commit
Later
Week
Two
Change
Might
Mind
Weeks
Suicide

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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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