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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Week
Two
Change
Might
Mind
Weeks
Suicide
Commit
Later
More quotes by Art Buchwald
If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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