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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Graduation
Profound
Forgotten
Speech
Minutes
Something
Would
Afterlife
More quotes by Art Buchwald
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
Art Buchwald
It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
Art Buchwald
You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
Art Buchwald
When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
Art Buchwald
Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
Art Buchwald
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
Art Buchwald
Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The best things in life aren't things.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
Art Buchwald
I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
Art Buchwald
Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
Art Buchwald
The things that matter most are not things.
Art Buchwald