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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Dialysis
Didn
Thought
Wanted
Everything
Done
Years

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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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