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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Woke
Alive
Morning
Happy
Whole
More quotes by Art Buchwald
It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
Art Buchwald
The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
Art Buchwald
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
Art Buchwald
If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
Art Buchwald
While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
Art Buchwald
Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
Art Buchwald
I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
Art Buchwald
Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
Art Buchwald
I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
Art Buchwald
People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
Art Buchwald
The things that matter most are not things.
Art Buchwald
I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
Art Buchwald
Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
Art Buchwald
No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
Art Buchwald
Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
Art Buchwald
This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
Art Buchwald
An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
Art Buchwald
I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
Art Buchwald
The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
Art Buchwald
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
Art Buchwald