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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Happy
Whole
Woke
Alive
Morning

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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
Art Buchwald
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
Art Buchwald