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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Everyone
Didn
Stills
Still
Take
Dialysis
Became
Hero
Alive

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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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