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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Problem
Real
Pathos
Journalism
Page
Pages
Television
Two

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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
Art Buchwald
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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