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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Three
Nights
School
Traffic
Government
Executives
Million
Week
Millions
Company
Fined
Night
Executive

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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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