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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Company
Fined
Night
Executive
Three
Nights
School
Traffic
Government
Executives
Million
Week
Millions

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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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