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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Night
Executive
Three
Nights
School
Traffic
Government
Executives
Million
Week
Millions
Company
Fined

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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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