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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Million
Week
Millions
Company
Fined
Night
Executive
Three
Nights
School
Traffic
Government
Executives

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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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