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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Three
Nights
School
Traffic
Government
Executives
Million
Week
Millions
Company
Fined
Night
Executive
More quotes by Art Buchwald
Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
Art Buchwald
I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
Art Buchwald
I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
Art Buchwald
I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
Art Buchwald
This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
Art Buchwald
The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
Art Buchwald
The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
Art Buchwald
I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
Art Buchwald