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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Million
Week
Millions
Company
Fined
Night
Executive
Three
Nights
School
Traffic
Government
Executives

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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
Art Buchwald
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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