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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Always
Dinner
Regard
Americans
Beginning
Food
Else
Something
French
Way
Evening

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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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