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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Didn
Thought
Wanted
Everything
Done
Years
Dialysis

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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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