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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Done
Years
Dialysis
Didn
Thought
Wanted
Everything

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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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