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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Secretary
Woods
Eight
President
Would
Rosemary
Nixon
Moses
Commandments

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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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