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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Would
Rosemary
Nixon
Moses
Commandments
Secretary
Woods
Eight
President
More quotes by Art Buchwald
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
Art Buchwald
