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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Commandments
Secretary
Woods
Eight
President
Would
Rosemary
Nixon
Moses

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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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