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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
Art Buchwald
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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Secretary
Woods
Eight
President
Would
Rosemary
Nixon
Moses
Commandments
More quotes by Art Buchwald
I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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