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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Nixon
Moses
Commandments
Secretary
Woods
Eight
President
Would
Rosemary

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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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