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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Company
Fined
Night
Executive
Nights
Three
Traffic
School
Executives
Government
Million
Week
Millions

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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The best things in life aren't things.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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