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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Company
Fined
Night
Executive
Three
Nights
School
Traffic
Government
Executives
Million
Week
Millions

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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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