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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Company
Fined
Night
Executive
Three
Nights
School
Traffic
Government
Executives
Million
Week
Millions

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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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