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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
York
Contemplated
Times
Obituary
Make
Bipolar
Would
Page
Suicide
Main
Pages
Concern

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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?
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The things that matter most are not things.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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