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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Times
Obituary
Make
Bipolar
Would
Page
Suicide
Main
Pages
Concern
York
Contemplated

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I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, I am not a crook. Jimmy Carter says, I have lusted after women in my heart. President Reagan says, I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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The things that matter most are not things.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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