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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Suicide
Main
Pages
Concern
York
Contemplated
Times
Obituary
Make
Bipolar
Would
Page

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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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