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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Light
Wanted
Enough
Make
Always
Never
Team
Politics
Political

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The things that matter most are not things.
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If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
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Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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