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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Never
Team
Politics
Political
Light
Wanted
Enough
Make
Always

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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
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The best things in life aren't things.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
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... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
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I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys.
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An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
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People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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