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I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

Art Buchwald

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Art Buchwald
Age: 81 †
Born: 1925
Born: October 20
Died: 2007
Died: January 17
Columnist
Essayist
Humorist
Journalist
Playwright
Screenwriter
Writer
Mount Vernon
New York
Light
Wanted
Enough
Make
Always
Never
Team
Politics
Political

More quotes by Art Buchwald

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I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
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If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
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The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
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No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
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I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
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While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
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If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.
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Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
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It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
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The reason I don't play golf is because I was a caddie when I was 13. Women never gave up a golf ball that was lost somewhere in the trees and thicket and down through the poison ivy. It was during one of these searches that I vowed to the Lord above that if I ever earned enough money I would never set foot on a course again.
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
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I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
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Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
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This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
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I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
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War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
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The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
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Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
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